Sunday, April 24, 2011

Without a shadow of a doubt...

So its been over two months since I have even signed into blogger. I know, I'm a bad blogger. I could list LOTS of reasons why I haven't been diligent about keeping up with this thing {i.e. lack of computer, lack of desire due to being on the computer all day every day for work, lack of time, blah blah blah}, but it doesn't excuse me. So I do apologize as much as I can!

The truth is that I have been preoccupied with this little thing called everyday life. Funny how that can get in the way sometimes. Amongst an odd work schedule and a daily workout routine on top of trying to maintain a semi-decent social life, there haven't been enough minutes in the day to squeeze in some blogging time.

So to do a very brief montage of the past few months, here we go. Lots of work {but who doesn't these days?}, every night at the gym and pretending like I'm back in college again with some really awesome new girlfriends. A few visits with my Mr. Handsome and my family. A new doggie nephew, Colby, who is hands down THE CUTEST cocker spaniel/lab mix you will EVER see. A new found love for this thing called Spin and a new obsession with any type of anti-aging product as well as Axiom Gel Nail polish that give THE most gorgeous manicure you could ever hope for. And there you have it folks.

No, that isn't all I've been up to but I feel rather confident in that those are somewhat the highlights.

This weekend I was reminded that life is short and to be lived to the fullest. I stood by my mother's side as she kissed her mother goodbye for the very last time. And while I wasn't as close to this grandmother as one should be, I had one of those moments where I realized that there isn't room for silly things that bog us down and hinder relationships. As we looked at Grandmother for the last time, I saw the wooden cross Mom had put between her hands and I just couldn't stop the tears. They came completely unexpected but not for obvious reasons. They weren't tears of sadness because we lost Grandmother years ago to dementia, but they were more of tears that I knew that one day I would be doing the same thing except it would be my mom lying peacefully that I would say goodbye to. I will never forget that moment. It was just the three of us in there. Three generations of strong women who refuse to settle for anything less than everything they've wanted. Three women who love people and live life to the fullest. And it really wasn't until that moment when the room was silent and everyone else had left that I have such an important legacy to fulfill.

The tears started rolling and I pulled my mom close for a hug because I know it has to be hard to say her final goodbyes. And because I know that regardless of all the petty mother/daughter silliness that occurred throughout the years as all mothers and daughters have, it was all null and void in that moment. That moment where I wondered what she was thinking about. That moment where I knew she had to have happy memories flooding through her mind. And that moment where I knew without a shadow of a doubt she was at peace because she knew without a shadow of doubt that her mother was vibrant again and in the presence of our most Holy Lord.

She said, "Goodbye mother, I'll see you soon." I fixed Grandmother's dress one last time and admired her big flashy jewelry and pink lipstick that she was so famous for wearing. I hugged my mom tight and said "Im so sorry mom." And then we walked out and closed the door. I wouldn't trade anything for that moment. It was undescribeably beautiful. We walked as a family and sat on the front row listening to the eulogy and then my mom stood up with notecards in her hands and with the most calm composure spoke the sweetest words of her mother. Words that aren't normally shared. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my fiesty little grandmother had to be watching {with a glass of ice water in one hand and 500 dogs at her feet} and smiling at how proud she was of my mom.

Easter wasn't easy this year. But I just can't help but think that this was God's little nudge to remind me how blessed I am. Blessed to know that one day when I have to repeat history and fluff my mom's dress and kiss her goodbye one last time, I will have that same exact peace. I'll know without a shadow of a doubt that she'll be the ring leader of my welcoming committee when my time comes. She'll watch me {with a coke in one hand and 500 dogs at her feet and 2 in her lap} speak kind words about her. And she'll be proud of me. Isn't that what matters the most? To know that one day all the pain and sorrow you've endured will all be null and void when you walk upon the streets of gold? One day all the "why me"s and "I don't understand"s will disappear. They won't matter. Because you'll have left a legacy for others to fulfill. And all because of Christ's selfless love. His agony he endured so that ours will only be temporary and will disappear for eternity one happy day.