Soak it up...

I'm sitting in Ryan's parent's living room as I write this and can't help but think to myself, oh what a difference one year can make. Do you ever realize how blessed you are and then get struck by an overwhelming panic that you know that feeling of sheer bliss won't last forever. And that you have to just savor every single second, knowing that it could all be taken away in a heartbeat. Sex and the city fans, there is a scene in the first movie where Carrie confronts her BFF, Charlotte, about why she quit jogging. And although it sounds a little silly, it wasnt. Because Charlotte had been desperatley trying to have a baby for years and just was never able to. So when she became pregnant, she started living her life as though she were in a china shop...no sudden movements. Running was what she always loved, but she gave it up in fear of losing her baby. Carrie reminded her that she can't stop living her life because she's afraid if she does she will lose everything.

I just can't stop thinking about this scene. Because that is exactly how I feel these days. Here I am enjoying Christmas with the one person I love more than anything in the world and all our friends and family. And the raw pain that Christmas brought just one year ago keeps flashing in my memory. I remember wishing the holiday would just be over already because I would not get the one thing I wanted. My Grandmomma keeps a guest book in her house and we sign and date it every time we visit. Last year, I saw Ryan's name from the Christmas before and I simply lost it. And this year when I opened that book, I saw his name and 2010 written beside it and almost lost it again. I am being 100 percent honest with you when I tell you I don't think I could be any happier now. I even feel guilty about how happy I actually am. But the truth is, this is a time in my life that God is truly blessing me. He took me on a long hard dark journey for a year where I kept asking Him, "when is this going to end??" But patience is clearly not one of my strengths and boy did He show me that. I've heard it said that you never can truly appreciate something until you don't have it anymore. And I couldn't say it better than that. And the best part is, now that I do appreciate it, I got it back.

So this Christmas I've decided to soak it all in. Every single strand of lights, every ornament and Christmas card. Every Christmas goodie that adds pounds on to the waistline. Every hug and "so glad I got to see you." Every visit with friends I don't usually get to see. Every sweet family memory. Every heartfelt gift and meal. And even the smallest thing like watching my Grandmomma read The Night Before Christmas when I had a permanent grin plastered to my face. I'm soaking it all in. Because we're never promised blissful times like this. So while I'm living in this sheer joy, I want to breathe it all in. Because I know that one day I won't have a Christmas this happy. One day, my Grandmomma won't be around to read to me from my favorite Childhood book. One day I won't get to see every single person I love for the holidays. I know this and I'm ok with it. But for the time being, I can't help but be overjoyed at the incredible Christmas that is 2010.

Ryan flew into Atlanta Thursday night. I went to work on Friday while he graciously finished all my Christmas shopping. Pat the boy on the back...he went to three different malls for me!! We had dinner at a lively picturesque Italian restaurant in Inman Park with some of our friends. After dinner, we had WORK to do...lots and lots of wrapping gifts to be taken to my family Christmas at my Grandmomma's house. We got up super early and drove to her house to be there in time for breakfast. I bought one of those recordable books and now I have a book with her reading The Night Before Christmas. You couldn't pay me a million dollars for that book. It will be one of my most prized possessions. After lunch, we piled in the car again and headed to Destin for Ryan's company Christmas party. I must say that I had a good time. We took the party across the street to a piano bar that never disappoints and met up with some of our good friends {Pictures to come soon...chill out T.Clems:)}. And yesterday his parents took us to brunch. We got out and delivered homemade Pumpkin bread and jelly to friends and later I went and had coffee with his mom.

It was the same Starbucks I met her at several months back when things were still a bit shaky. And I remember thinking to myself "my how things have changed since I saw her last." Those same thoughts crossed my mind as we sat in the same chairs and just pressed rewind for the past 7 or 8 months. Lots and lots of catching up to do. Lots of pouring out our hearts to each other and thanking God for His perfect timing and plan. But one thing was the same. We both couldn't help but wax poetically about how we love the same boy. I'm sure his ears were ringing as we talked about his gentle heart and warming laugh. When I got back to the house from my mini date with his mom, he only asked me one thing: "did you have fun?" I couldn't explain to him how fun isn't the word I would choose, but rather something more along the lines of "it was simply perfect."

I've spent hours and hours making lists of possible gifts for our families and scouring stores and the internet for the perfect gift. I've stressed about making sure I can see every single person I love in the time I have off. I've listened to the Christmas music channel since October and I've spent many car rides to and from work wondering what Christmas would be like for me this year. Imagining the moment I see the family I lost a year ago but now and privileged to have back. And while I have only seen half of them so far, I can say that my expectations were nowhere near the reality. There's a warmth in my heart that only comes from the Lord and I know He put it there to show me that even though life can be tough at times, there are also good times. GREAT times. And He gives us those to show us a glimpse at His incredible love.

Now the gifts coming my way don't even cross my mind. I'm not caught up in the hoopla that so easily comes with the Christmas Season. I'm just enjoying it in its entirerity. Soaking it all up.