Pretty Questionable Post

So I've debated on whether or not to share this with the whole blog world. Mostly because its super personal and I just think that blogs are made to share "good" news...basically a look through rose colored glasses into people's lives. But lets be real here and realize that life isn't always about fun weekends and pretty homes.

I've been MIA for quite some time because my world is a little shaken right now. Its true. I'm back to square one. For all of you wondering what in the world I'm talking about, I'll go ahead and say it. My sweet Ryan is no longer mine. Yes, I was just as shocked as you are. This came out of nowhere, but after about 2 weeks of us struggling after a disagreement, I've decided to let him go. Not in terms of a boss saying, "we're gonna have to let you go," but more like, " I love you more than anything in this world and your happiness is most important so here is your freedom."

I have a very heavy heart right now. I can't quite piece it into words quite yet, but the bottom line is that I still TRULY believe in love. I believe in the enduring love that you walk through life together hand in hand through the good and bad. And while we did that, I just don't think it will always be that way. I could be wrong. Timing is everything and at this point, its just not the right time.

After countless phone conversations with my friends (you know who you are), I've realized that real love is a two way street and it can't be sacrifice only on one end. So to all of you who have endured my many tears and listened to me say the same things over and over again, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I'm simply one button away from therapy. And of course, I'm always here for you too!

I think something I struggle the most with is I'm a goal setter. I have these expectations that I feel I must achieve by a certain time. And the problem with this is that when these goals aren't met according to my due date (no not the preggers type of due date), I feel like a failure. But the truth is that that in itself is a MAJOR problem. We are never to expect to fulfill our future on our own. I'm a control freak, I admit it. And I saw all these happy blogs and stories about these sweet families and I just grew more envious by the day. I thought to myself, why isn't that me?

It may not be something that everyone does (blog envy), but we're all guilty of it to a certain extent. Wanting what we can't have. So I'm going back to the core of what I know. That is the promise that my Saviour has laid heavy on my heart since junior high school. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

I'm clinging to this promise on a minute by minute basis. Why? Because I know He's not done with me yet. That he wants me to seek him and rest in Him. Its all crazy to me how I could have forgotten something so simple...HE has it all in control...all under his infallible, perfect plan.

I'm trying here. I really am. So, please bear with me. I won't fill this with sadness and tears, I promise. I'll just keep it light for all of us!! But I do covet your prayers and wisdom. Lay it on me thick!