One, this blog is simply my escape, as sad as that may sound. I stay on the phone all day fundraising. Guys...it is far from easy to hear sob stories for a living. In fact, I've grown so accustomed to these stories that I've become jaded. It doesn't phase me anymore to hear someone tell me that their business is failing due to our economy and their yearly $1000 donation will be done away with until things pick up again. It takes a trip to MDA's clinic to yank me back into reality and show me how fortunate I am.
A father drove 3 hours to bring his son to see the neurologist and when I was talking with him, tears filled his eyes out of gratitude that his son, who has no health insurance, finally was able to see a doctor. That his annual checkups will cost him nothing. And in desperation, he looked at me and said, "How can I repay you??" I wanted to tell him that he just did, but the inner fundraiser in me came creeping out and shared how he can become more involved with our campaigns. For a while, I felt so guilty about doing this, but it is my JOB after all. The guilt came into play when I was so intensely reminded that above all else, Christ has called us to help others. That this life is not meant to be lived with an inward focus, but rather an outward one. That despite the countless hours spent slaving away in my office and on the road, I'm being PAID to do what Christ has called his children to do...help those in need. If that isn't a blessing, I don't know what is.
Its not all roses helping others. Its HARD. VERY HARD! The most challenging thing I've ever done. Countless times, I've felt like giving up. Countless times, I've found myself filled with anger, tears, resentment, anything negative basically. But just as I was told in my second interview months and months ago..."this job is a love hate relationship...it gets in your blood. You'll blink your eyes and you've been here for years and you're only more addicted than ever before." I remember hearing these words and thought to myself, "What are these crazy ladies {who were willing to meet me on a Saturday for an interview} talking about?? Its a job. Period." But its not just a job. Its my opportunity to do what I am called to do right now.
This morning, I opened my daily scripture email and here is what I felt was sent to me just to solidify these emotions I've been experiencing the past couple of days.
"Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me--a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 1:13, NLT
I couldn't help but almost laugh when I read this. Mostly because I know how hard headed I can be. Sometimes it takes one of those Flashing Lights moments where I basically have it written in front of me to get my attention. And this morning was one of those.
This journey I've been on for the past 8-9 months has been the most difficult yet ultimately rewarding time in my life. One of my sweet friends is just now getting started on this long road and my heart just aches for her. I know the feeling of loss she's going through. All the doubts and replaying of moments she wishes she could re-live or do over. All the fears about starting over. All the pain that randomly washes over uncontrollably from missing the one person you love the most. And every time I talk with her, I'm so quickly reminded that I too was in this same situation this past fall. And it takes me back to that time. But, by the grace of God, I'm able to easily snap out of it and step back to realize what all that pain did for me. It opened my eyes to so many things. I poured myself into a job that ultimately was the greatest therapy, believe it or not. And now, I'm on the other side of that hard journey and find myself happier than I've ever been my whole life. I keep telling her that this too will happen for her eventually, but bless her heart she isn't able to process this yet. Nobody should be able to at that point.
All this to say, it took losing the person I loved the most and a job that pushes me to my threshold to open my eyes to see what life is all about.
All those nights I sat with tear stained cheeks, I just kept begging God to somehow SHOW me WHY I had to go through that heartbreak. And all I could see and hear was, "Rest in Me and just TRUST Me." For months, I couldn't figure it out. But in time, I've learned why. My foundation had to be rebuilt in order to keep building my life. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
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I LOVE YOU.
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