Its Time...

Its time for another heart felt post. For those of you who like my "fun" posts about clothes and home decor, this one will probably be one you'll want to skip. But like I've done several times before, I have things to share that aren't superficial.

The truth is, I really enjoy the things I normally blog about. I really do. I really enjoy other blogs similar to mine. In fact, its how I start my day. Despite the fact that these are all about "things," I really get inspired by so many of them in many different ways. And I don't think there's any harm in inspiration. But only if you can separate it from becoming consuming.

I've shared this several times before, but I really struggle with the challenge of my plan vs. HIS plan. I'm always comparing my life to others and a lot of times I feel like I come up VERY short. Even down to silly things like having a home to renovate.

This time a few months ago, I was struggling major with this. I had NO clue what direction to take. My whole world had been torn upside down and I felt as though I had been dropped off in the middle of nowhere and left to fend for myself. At that VERY low point, I somehow {by the grace of God} realized I had a choice. I could either go my way {a very sad and lonely one} or His way. So, again with the grace of God, I dug down REALLY REALLY deep and mustered up the courage to set out on a path that had only one set of intructions: "Trust ME."

I won't sit here and tell you that it was easy, because it wasn't. AT ALL. I didn't understand the concept of truly trusting. And I definitely didn't understand the concept of trusting someone who took away the thing I loved more than life itself. But I did it anyway. I started slowly on a path with no clue where I was going. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, no happily ever after to be seen. In fact, I couldn't see anything at all. All I could do was listen. And listen I did.

Listened to the smallest little directions, that made no sense at the time. "Today, you will go to Publix." "Today, spend 10 extra minutes doing your hair." "Today, make yourself a cup of coffee." "Today, put a radio in your bathroom and turn it to 91.9." "Today, cook yourself dinner." And the list of instructions went on and on. And now, looking back I think to myself, "How in the world did I get to the point that I needed God to tell me to go to the Grocery Store?"

I thought the same thing when these little whispers happened. It almost became comical to me that I had reverted back to being a child and in desperate need of being told how to put one foot in front of the other. But that was the only way I could truly start over.

You may be thinking, "why would a 25 year old girl need silly instructions like this??" Don't think that I had lost it mentally because I hadn't. But my heart was absolutely empty. I'd lost every passion for living I had ever once possessed. If you've ever met me, you'll know I've never been one to just completely quit caring about taking care of myself {just follow my blog and you'll quickly see how girly I am}. But at that low point, I did completely quit. I'm talking to the point of showing up to work with a wrinkly mismatched outfit, wet hair and no makeup...EVERY DAY.

Its not that I quit caring, its that I didn't feel worthy of being presentable. I quit eating and the pounds melted off really quick {probably the only perk of this whole situation:) }. And then I started to punish myself if I even attempted to enjoy a few bites. Weeks went by without a trip to the grocery store. A solid month I didn't use my stove, oven or microwave. Basically survived on cereal or crackers {definitely not healthy}.

The scary part is I have no clue where this would have led me if I didn't get these small daily instructions. But I needed them. Desperately. And through a lot of time and prayer and tears and phone calls, I slowly started over.

Now I understand these little orders. I remember vividly the day I actually dried my hair. I came in to work with straight hair AND makeup and immediately felt a little bit happier. I did it again the next day and around lunch time, I found myself smiling {HUGE step}. The day I felt the urge to fix myself a cup of coffee is just as clear. I had a French Press and coffee from a while back. So I sat outside on my porch and sipped on my morning jolt. Instantly, I felt at ease. Now, its my wakeup call. And every morning, as I sip on my coffee on the porch, I spend time in prayer for the day.

And then there was the most life altering order of them all. Turn on your radio to 91.9. I've mentioned this station before, but if you missed that post, I'll quickly recap you. This station is contemporary Christian station. I'd listened to it off an on ever since I moved to Florida, but never really payed close attention. The day I followed this instruction, I remember hearing a song that just spoke to me. It was at that point that everything came together.

All these little orders were on His To-Do list for me for a reason. To lead me back to Him. And when I finally understood, I finally became happy again. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I've had to start over with my daily walk with Christ. But Im not ashamed. Because now I TRULY get it. Now I completely understand what GRACE is. Now I completely comprehend what unfailing love is. Now all the puzzle pieces actually fit together and make an incredible picture...one that I would have NEVER been able to see this time last year. And my heart's desire is to continue this daily walk.

I'm sure that this time next year, I will look back at my life with a different perspective. I'll understand more than I do now and I'll appreciate the never ending To-Do list even more.
But this is what faith is all about.

As humans, we are not equipped with a mind that is wise enough to fathom a lifetime, which is why we are given trials and tribulations in bits and pieces scattered throughout a lifetime. This Christmas, my Grandmomma read this quote to our family and tears just rolled down my cheeks because I couldn't help but truly understand now.

"If the trails of many years were gathered into one, they would overwhelm us; therefore, in pity to our little strength, He sends first one, and then another, then removes both, and lays on a third, heavier, perhaps, them either; but all is so wisely measured to our strength that the bruised reed is never broken. We do not enough look at our trials in this continues and successive view. Each one is sent to teach us something, and altogether they have a lesson which is beyond the power of any to teach alone." H.E. Manning

It all makes sense to me now. I had to go through that horrible rainstorm to see a rainbow.

"We are ready to praise when all shines fair; but when life is overcast,when all things seem to be against us, when we are in fear for some cherished happiness, or in the depths of sorrow, or in the solitude of a life which has no visible support, or in a season of sickness, and with the shadow of death approaching,--then to praise God; then to say, This fear, loneliness, affliction, pain, and trembling awe are as sure tokens of love, as life, health, joy, and the gifts of home: "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away;" on either side it is He, and all is love alike; "blessed be the name of the Lord,"--this is the true sacrifice of praise. What can come amiss to a soul which is so in accord with God? What can make so much as one jarring tone in all its harmony? In all the changes of this fitful life, it ever dwells in." H.E. Manning

And now I'm starting to understand a concept that Christ is laying heavy on my heart. One I would have never have comprehended or even cared to try before all of this. And that is to praise Him in the good and bad. One of my favorite songs is devoted to this whole concept.

Praise You In This Storm Casting Crowns
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth"

I absolutely love when this song comes on in the mornings. I claim it every single day. There was actually one time when this exact song came on one morning as I was putting on makeup. And with the tears rolling down my face, I laughed and smiled and thought, "I am beyond thankful that I can finally understand this."

And then one more song that absolutely touches my heart for this Challenge that I've been issued {to praise Him in the good and in the bad}.

Blessed Be The Name of The Lord Newsboys

"Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away

You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

So now, my goal is to follow His perfect plan for me. I'll be walking down a path that I can only see one foot in front of me. But I know that all along I'll have instructions for where to go. And I know the intense joy I will receive by thanking him for EVERYTHING.

A while after Christmas, Grandmomma mailed my mom a letter with the H.E. Manning quotes in it and she also included this prayer by St. Francis of Assisi

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

She's a very wise lady, one I strive to be like. And I'll leave you with one more quote that she included. One that now I'm starting to learn.

"Joy is a terribly fragile thing and the enemy is spent on stealing it from us. Such a wise thing to ask for”